Wednesday, July 16, 2008

An awkward day at the mall

In my first blog, I mentioned how I almost got arrested because a mall's rent-a-cop thought I had hidden something in the front of my pants and was taking it out of the store, when in reality I just had a hard-on.

I also said I'd explain more about that incident later. *Looks at watch* It's almost later....

wait a little bit longer....

Almost time... be patient...

3..2..1.. and its later...

So me and my oldest (half) sister Anna were at the mall looking for something to get my mom for her birthday, my mom's difficult to shop for. She's one of those people who, when you ask her what she wants, she'll just say "Oh, nothing" or "Whatever's fine." And ya can't not get something for a family member's birthday. So it usually takes all seven of my siblings and myself to brainstorm exactly what to get her. Luckily she's happy with whatever we get her. Last Christmas, two of my siblings got her the same exact sweater, and she was like "Alright, no if one gets stained or ripped I'll always have a spare." But I guess it a good thing that she's so positive.

Anyway, me and Anna were in a woman's clothing department because we remembered that my mom said she never has anything to match her khakis. So we decided to get her a couple blouses to go with them.

Enter rent-a-cop. I was standing there with my sister, half embarrassed that I was the only guy in a woman's clothing store, the other half of me was trying to listen to my sister. Then the 40-something mall security guard comes waltzing in and starts talking to the lady at the register. Trying to flirt or something. He had this really annoying nasally laugh. He laughed at something and i looked up at him like "what the fuck?" the guard stopped laughing and looking at me all suspiciously.

Now, I'm not saying all police/guards/whatever are bad, but I've always had a problem with authority. I don't break a lot of crimes, in fact, the only thinks I could get in trouble for in the past year was jaywalking or being nude in public (another story for another time lol). But something about the way authority figures look at ya, and when they break up parties when the could be stopping a murderer about to strangle a random person, it just annoys me.

I was looking at him, he was looking at me. It was like the staring contests two bull elks have before they fight to find out who's strong enough to have offspring with the only female elk within a mile. Except there wasn't any kind of reward in it for us.

I broke the stare first (I guess I lost) because a sexy late 20's, early 30's mom walked in with her 3 or 4 year old daughter. I went from staring showdown, to "Look! MILF!" She was this sexy little blond girl who's bodyweight must have been 50% boobs. Needless to say I found something far more interesting to check out.

Now, don't take this as bragging, but fully erect my dick is 9 1/2 inches, on a nice warm day I might be 9 3/4, maybe 10. And it doesn't take me much to reach a fully erect state. I mentioned in a different blog that I'm hard 80% of the time. So a hot MILF walking in was gonna set the alarm off eventually.

So there I am, 3 feet from my sister who is handing me shirts while I'm checking out this chick who is telling her daughter to stay near by. And i can feel the blood start pumping to my dick and i feel it rubbing up against the fabric of my underwear as it gets bigger. I don't mind showing off my luggage, but something seemed extra perverse about getting a hard-on in a women's clothing store.

I'm trying to turn my attention to the clothes, all the while trying to will my dick to go down. Then the lady at the register and the MILF walk to the dressing rooms which are just rooms you can see into from the clothing area, with a white door for privacy. The register lady unlocks the white door for the MILF and she, her daughter, and an arm full of bras and shirts 2 sizes too small for her go into the change room.

I'm there, at half mast, trying not to think about the fact that the MILF is getting naked in there. My sister notices my boner, laughs, and starts going through more clothes. We grew up in a little apartment together, little if any privacy, so her seeing me with a hard on stretching my jeans out is not something new.

Then I hear the MILF say "Hey, get back here young lady." I look up and sure enough her daughter is walking out of the change room, and the MILF is bent over with her massive boobs freely hanging out with no shirt, no bra. Hey, free nudity, I guess women's clothing shops aren't so bad after all. There was even an awkward eye contact moment between me and the MILF, for the split second I could get my eyes off her rack. She even flashes a coy little smile as if to say "Yeah, they are nice huh?"

So, by this time, I'm sporting a full 9.5 inch (maybe even 9.75) hard-on. My pants aren't exceptionally tight, but I like wearing rather tight pants so I can show off a nice bulge because, as much as they like to deny it, women crotch watch just as much as men stare at breasts.

My dick's rather uncomfortable at this time, so I undo the top button and unzip my jeans to shove my dick down the legs of my boxer-briefs and down to nearly the knee of my jeans. I, of course, do this behind a rack of clothes, and some added cover contributed by my sister, so no one sees (sorry to any women who bought a shirt that may have accidentally made contact with my wang lol. But I immediately came to the realization that a guy in a women's clothing store, who just saw the tits of some woman when the change room came open, and then sticks his hands down his pants looks like he's masturbating. I look up at the security guard just as he's turning his head. Was he looking at me? Or was he trying to get one last glimpse of the MILF? Who knows.

My sister holds up a couple shirts and asks me which ones to get (like I can focus on clothes at this point) I just randomly pick two, and she agrees with one, and gets a different one out of the rack. Then she says she's ready to go.

I don't know about most guys, but I have a hard time walking when my dick's acting like a splint on my right leg. So I tell her to wait until my dick goes down. She sighs, but agrees and goes to the on wall of the clothing shop where they stock designer shampoos and conditioners and other bathy goodness.

A few minutes, 5 or 6, go by and my sister comes back with two huge bottles of shampoo. Like family sized shampoo. She asked me if Little Landon went back to sleep, I shake my head, its still hard as a rock. She complains that her and her husband Matt have to go to dinner in an hour so I'll have to get going anyway. So we (slowly) walk up the the register. she places the bottles and shirts down as the MILF comes out of the dressing room. Great. That's not gonna help matters any.

We're waiting while there's some problem with the register, something to do with a key. I'm too busy trying to look down the register lady's shirt, worrying about the MILF behind us, and trying to keep my dick from bursting out of my jeans like Superman breaks outta phone booths. In the corner of my eye I see the rent-a-cop, i see his head moving from the desk where the register is, to the front of my jeans, back to the items near the register, back to my jeans. Then after we get the damn key problem figured out, my sister pays the lady and we start heading out, the rent-a-cop grabs my arm.

"Forget to pay for that?" he says pointing at my dick. Was that some kind of gay come on? I have no problem with gay guys, they hit on me all the time, a compliment is a compliment no matter who its from. But pointing to my dick and asking me if I paid for it is a really forward pick-up line, or claiming that I've had a lot of dick enhancement surgery, which would be awfully rude.

"Uh... no..." I say, still trying to wrap my head around his ice breaker.

He pulls me back in the store and tells the register lady that I stole something and put it in front of my pants. This cracks my sister the fuck up.

I try to tell him I didn't steal anything but not use any of the keywords like "dick" "cock" "boner" because the MILF and her daughter are nearby, and I didn't want a lawsuit.

So I use man-code, something all men know should know. "I didn't steal anything, its just that my soldier is standing at attention." "I didn't take a thing, I'm just, you know, pitching a tent."

He looks at me like I'm crazy.

So I whisper in his ear "I have a hard-on that won't go down."

He still looks at me like I'm crazy.

He goes "You shoved one of those shampoo bottles down your pants and are trying to steal it." What fucking guy steals shampoo? Besides Fabio when he can't get romance novel cover photoshoots to pay for it.

My sister chimes in "No, really, its his penis."

His penis must be rather small because he still doesn't believe me. He says "If that's the truth, why don't you go into the dressing rooms and show me?"

I look at him like he's crazy.

I give up and start walking towards the dressing rooms, mumbling about how this damn rent-a-cop wants to see my dick.

The register babe comes by with the key and unlocks it, I unzip my pants, whip it out and the half-cop looks at it like "daaaaayum."

Satisfied, I put to horse back in the corral, zip up, and head out. You can still see the outline of my dick in my jeans as I still haven't found a place that it looks "normal." I walk by the register lady, and she's looking at me like I'm still stealing something. She goes "Hey! Stop!" and the guard goes "No its ok... he was... telling the truth, he didn't steal anything." Which made the register lady go "oh... OOOOOOH!"

Then, a few days later when my mom opened up her presents Anna says "Mom, you'll never believe what Landon had to go through to get you that present." And the story was shared again, and a week later my mom told one of her friends, a week later it was retold, and so on, and so on.

Needless to say, I'm probably never going back to a women's clothing store again lol...


Polt said...

I knew there had to be SOME benefit to working as a rent-a-cop. :)


Lil Bit said...

LOL, funny story!

... your 1/2-sis is a real sport, too.

btw, in case you don't receive comments in your email, I left you another 1 on your TMI post.