Everyone loves funny, embarrassing stories... here's something that happened to me yesterday...
Lately my job hasn't been as great as it was in the past. Not that I have to do a lot of extra work or anything, its just that I'm working a lot more.
I typically work 20-30 hours a week, sometimes less. I often get calls around 10 AM to tell me that I don't need to come in to work, I can file for unemployment for the hours I don't work, so its like having a free day... Lately I've been getting 40 hour weeks now, sometimes getting a few hours of overtime, which is nice on the pay check.
Anyway... before i get side tracked... Let me get to the awkward moment that occurred last night...
I got home, after working 9 hours I was kinda mentally drained. The only thing I wanted to do is go in my room, lay on my bed, and masturbate.
I got in my room and got undressed, I laid down on my bed after putting a porn in, I started playing with myself as I told my sister Zoe that she might wanna leave the room.
Needless to say she listened once the first sex scene came on and i had my dick in my hand.
So, I was jerking off, watching Holly Halston in "My Friend's Hot Mom Vol. 15" banging some lucky guy. I reached the point of no return right when my mom walked in on me. Most guys (and probably women too) know that once you start having an orgasm there's no way you can keep a straight face during a time like that.
"Supper's ready..." My mom said right before noticing that I was coming all over the place... I come enough as it is, so its difficult to stay reasonably clean during orgasms, let alone when you're mom walks in, startles ya, and you are unsuccessfully trying to cover up...
After what seemed like an hour but was probably 40-60 seconds, the last of my splooge leaked out of my dick and I regained some composure. I caught my breath and looked down, there was cum all over the place. My dick, balls, on my pubes, all over my legs and stomach, even on my sheets and on the carpet beside my bed. It looked like someone poured half a bottle of lotion all over me.
Once my mom stopped laughing she said "Um... you might wanna wash up before supper too." Which I did.
I really need to work on my covering up skills during moments like that...
Showing posts with label Embarassing Moments. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Embarassing Moments. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
TMI Tuesday #227 - Fat Tuesday Edition
1. Have you had sex with another person in 2010? Have you passed on an opportunity to sex with another person in 2010? Yep... I couldn't go a month and a half with no sexins, I did turn down sex a couple times for whatever reason...
2. What is the funniest thing you have ever said or done during sex? (Orgasmic facial expressions do not count.) Well i did have a phone convo with my mom during sex (read that here) and this awkward walked-in-on situation people find humorous (read that here)... both are worth a read and a few belly laughs
3. What is the first thing you notice about a member of the opposite sex? age (I like older women) and as far as a body part goes its usually the stomach-waist-hips area of a girl... I love the shape of a woman, and the way they move when they walk...
4. What is the best pick-up line you have ever heard? Every used? Ever been used on you? Well... a little back story... i went to a bar a few days after turning 21, got pretty drunk and since it was one of the first times i was at this bar and didn't know the regulars i walked up to a girl, and in my drunken honesty said "Haven't I not seen you here before" she thought it was funny... didn't get laid... but worth the try...
5. Where is the most unique you have ever had sex? I figure you mean "place"... you're leaving out important keywords Mr. Question, anyway, plenty of places: in the middle of a party, on the roof of a building (a flat one, not slanted), back of a car with other people driving, in a creek, in high school... plenty of places... still wanna do it on a plane and a boat... and allbeit unlikely: a submarine and a space ship... maybe just to see me come and watch the sperm float around in no gravity
Bonus (as in optional): Do you pee in the shower? If so, has any SO known that you pee in the shower? Has any SO peed in the shower? no, there is no "p" in shower... oh wait... read that wrong... still no...
2. What is the funniest thing you have ever said or done during sex? (Orgasmic facial expressions do not count.) Well i did have a phone convo with my mom during sex (read that here) and this awkward walked-in-on situation people find humorous (read that here)... both are worth a read and a few belly laughs
3. What is the first thing you notice about a member of the opposite sex? age (I like older women) and as far as a body part goes its usually the stomach-waist-hips area of a girl... I love the shape of a woman, and the way they move when they walk...
4. What is the best pick-up line you have ever heard? Every used? Ever been used on you? Well... a little back story... i went to a bar a few days after turning 21, got pretty drunk and since it was one of the first times i was at this bar and didn't know the regulars i walked up to a girl, and in my drunken honesty said "Haven't I not seen you here before" she thought it was funny... didn't get laid... but worth the try...
5. Where is the most unique you have ever had sex? I figure you mean "place"... you're leaving out important keywords Mr. Question, anyway, plenty of places: in the middle of a party, on the roof of a building (a flat one, not slanted), back of a car with other people driving, in a creek, in high school... plenty of places... still wanna do it on a plane and a boat... and allbeit unlikely: a submarine and a space ship... maybe just to see me come and watch the sperm float around in no gravity
Bonus (as in optional): Do you pee in the shower? If so, has any SO known that you pee in the shower? Has any SO peed in the shower? no, there is no "p" in shower... oh wait... read that wrong... still no...
Monday, February 8, 2010
My SuperBowl Sunday
As I mentioned a few times on my blog I lost a bet on the Vikings-Saints game a couple weeks back... Me and my sister each picked a team, the loser would have to attend our entire SuperBowl party naked... I honestly thought it was Brett Favre's year... But it wasn't...
So, yesterday, I was naked during the SuperBowl... fun fun fun
First off I helped my mom and my sisters get all the food and junk ready, luckily I was clothed... but had to disrobe once everything was set... and as a stipulation of the bet I had to greet everyone at the door... naked... So there were roughly 25-30 people that came by... my friends, my sister's friends, my mom's friends, and my oldest sister came by with her husband.... Most of them have already seen me naked in one way or another, not that it made things any less awkward...
Then there's Marcy, one of my mom's friends who I've been trying to sleep with since I was 17 with no luck.. A sexy, big breasted, 40-something red head... She's never seen me naked (that I know of) so she was kinda shocked when I opened the door with my wangus flopping around.... She stared at me, I stared at her, and even though I was doing good up until then I instantly got hard... So, an awkward situation just got more awkward...
After I let another 10 or so people in the apartment with a hard-on the game started... I sat on the couch with 3 girls: my sister and a few of my friends.. Its a couch with enough room for 3 asses, but there were 4 so it was pretty cramped... I had to settle my ball bag on my lap so the sack twins wouldn't get crushed on my lap, not that trying to hide anything made any sense any more...
During the end of the first quarter one of the girls sitting next to me reached for a handful of chips and as she was settling back down her elbow brushed my dick, she screamed out an apology and my sister Ana's husband said "Like Landon needs to be teased at a time like this"
Needless to say I has hard and horny the entire first half... sometime in the second quarter I, by instinct apparently, grabbed my dick and started to play with it without even knowing... My sister Arianna pointed out that I shouldn't be jerking off during the superbowl...
I tried to explain that I didn't really notice I was doing it... like that helped
Near the end of the first half, Helen, one of my mom's friend, noticing the precum on my dick, said I should go run into the bathroom during halftime and take care of the problem... My sister Arianna, who I lost the bet to, told me I had to suffer through the game because I lost a bet... Then a debate between me and my sister and 8 or 9 other party goers started about whether I should or shouldn't be allowed to masturbate... Half were on my side, showing me some mercy, the other half on her side saying that the halftime show was still part of the SuperBowl...
Not sure who won the debate, but as the first half ended I stood up and said "The real halftime show starts in my room... Anyone want to join in?" I said it as a joke, but hey, if I could get laid or even an HJ I figured it was worth a shot... People laughed but My mom's friends Helen, Jenn, and Maria, Arianna's friend Patricia, My friends Alexia and Shawna all wanted to watch...
So I was on my bed, masturbating while six women watched... Alexia told the others to stand back because I cum a lot... I never hooked up with any of my mom's friends that watched but the other three already knew that my orgasms are rather messy....
Being watched turned me on more and before long I was coming... And as any guy knows its hard to control anything while your having an orgasm... my sheets were covered, and Helen should have taken the warning because a glob of cum got on her hands and pants... me and Helen got cleaned up and rejoined the party just as the second half was getting underway... I got some cheers when I walked back in the room... Even Helen got me a cup of water saying I must be dehydrated lol
It wasn't long into the second half that I got hard again, with the movement on the couch when people's teams were winning, the glances I got from the girls, specifically Marcy, and just being naked around a buncha clothed people....
But mercifully the game ended and people started leaving... A few joked that I needed to have some more alone time in my room as they were leaving... Alexia squeezed my dick as she was leaving... I pointed out the white stain on Helen's pants, and told her she better clean that up before her husband noticed... she said "My husband's a dumbass, he won't even know what it is..."
Patricia, my sister's friend, stayed to help with the clean up... I helped too after putting on a pair of loose sweatpants... It didn't hide my erection very well, but it was a helluva lot warmer...
So after the clean up I went to my room to change my soiled sheets... Patricia came in and noticed the precum soaking through my light gray sweatpants... She told me that she was just as horny as me during the superbowl and was planning on sleeping with me during halftime but there were too many people around... I pointed out there were barely anyone else left in the house now...
She came over and pulled my sweatpants down and took as much of me in her mouth as she could... I took her clothes off and we went at it for about an hour before I ruined another set of clean sheets...
A rather embarassing superbowl party with a couple enjoyable moments nonetheless
Oh... Its worth mentioning that I made another bet with 3 girls on the Superbowl, I picked the Saints, they picked the Colts, so I finally won a football bet... thank god... and lets just say, my birthday next month is gonna be memorable!
So, yesterday, I was naked during the SuperBowl... fun fun fun
First off I helped my mom and my sisters get all the food and junk ready, luckily I was clothed... but had to disrobe once everything was set... and as a stipulation of the bet I had to greet everyone at the door... naked... So there were roughly 25-30 people that came by... my friends, my sister's friends, my mom's friends, and my oldest sister came by with her husband.... Most of them have already seen me naked in one way or another, not that it made things any less awkward...
Then there's Marcy, one of my mom's friends who I've been trying to sleep with since I was 17 with no luck.. A sexy, big breasted, 40-something red head... She's never seen me naked (that I know of) so she was kinda shocked when I opened the door with my wangus flopping around.... She stared at me, I stared at her, and even though I was doing good up until then I instantly got hard... So, an awkward situation just got more awkward...
After I let another 10 or so people in the apartment with a hard-on the game started... I sat on the couch with 3 girls: my sister and a few of my friends.. Its a couch with enough room for 3 asses, but there were 4 so it was pretty cramped... I had to settle my ball bag on my lap so the sack twins wouldn't get crushed on my lap, not that trying to hide anything made any sense any more...
During the end of the first quarter one of the girls sitting next to me reached for a handful of chips and as she was settling back down her elbow brushed my dick, she screamed out an apology and my sister Ana's husband said "Like Landon needs to be teased at a time like this"
Needless to say I has hard and horny the entire first half... sometime in the second quarter I, by instinct apparently, grabbed my dick and started to play with it without even knowing... My sister Arianna pointed out that I shouldn't be jerking off during the superbowl...
I tried to explain that I didn't really notice I was doing it... like that helped
Near the end of the first half, Helen, one of my mom's friend, noticing the precum on my dick, said I should go run into the bathroom during halftime and take care of the problem... My sister Arianna, who I lost the bet to, told me I had to suffer through the game because I lost a bet... Then a debate between me and my sister and 8 or 9 other party goers started about whether I should or shouldn't be allowed to masturbate... Half were on my side, showing me some mercy, the other half on her side saying that the halftime show was still part of the SuperBowl...
Not sure who won the debate, but as the first half ended I stood up and said "The real halftime show starts in my room... Anyone want to join in?" I said it as a joke, but hey, if I could get laid or even an HJ I figured it was worth a shot... People laughed but My mom's friends Helen, Jenn, and Maria, Arianna's friend Patricia, My friends Alexia and Shawna all wanted to watch...
So I was on my bed, masturbating while six women watched... Alexia told the others to stand back because I cum a lot... I never hooked up with any of my mom's friends that watched but the other three already knew that my orgasms are rather messy....
Being watched turned me on more and before long I was coming... And as any guy knows its hard to control anything while your having an orgasm... my sheets were covered, and Helen should have taken the warning because a glob of cum got on her hands and pants... me and Helen got cleaned up and rejoined the party just as the second half was getting underway... I got some cheers when I walked back in the room... Even Helen got me a cup of water saying I must be dehydrated lol
It wasn't long into the second half that I got hard again, with the movement on the couch when people's teams were winning, the glances I got from the girls, specifically Marcy, and just being naked around a buncha clothed people....
But mercifully the game ended and people started leaving... A few joked that I needed to have some more alone time in my room as they were leaving... Alexia squeezed my dick as she was leaving... I pointed out the white stain on Helen's pants, and told her she better clean that up before her husband noticed... she said "My husband's a dumbass, he won't even know what it is..."
Patricia, my sister's friend, stayed to help with the clean up... I helped too after putting on a pair of loose sweatpants... It didn't hide my erection very well, but it was a helluva lot warmer...
So after the clean up I went to my room to change my soiled sheets... Patricia came in and noticed the precum soaking through my light gray sweatpants... She told me that she was just as horny as me during the superbowl and was planning on sleeping with me during halftime but there were too many people around... I pointed out there were barely anyone else left in the house now...
She came over and pulled my sweatpants down and took as much of me in her mouth as she could... I took her clothes off and we went at it for about an hour before I ruined another set of clean sheets...
A rather embarassing superbowl party with a couple enjoyable moments nonetheless
Oh... Its worth mentioning that I made another bet with 3 girls on the Superbowl, I picked the Saints, they picked the Colts, so I finally won a football bet... thank god... and lets just say, my birthday next month is gonna be memorable!
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Forget The Who... I'm gonna be the real halftime show...
So... its almost time to pay the piper... or more specifically, my sister Ariana... I lost a bet and now have to spend the entire superbowl naked
There's so far 28 people that are gonna be there... I'm not sure if anyone else will be there... so I'm gonna stand out (no erection pun intended) being the only naked one there...
I already masturbated once today in hopes that I'll have no hard-ons during the game... but knowing me thats a false hope... i could get a hard on during a zombie apocalypse... not that zombies turn me on, just saying that since it'd be a time that an erection wouldn't make sense... that and I'm watching Zombieland right now...
Forget The Who... I'm gonna be the real halftime show...
*depressing sigh*
There's so far 28 people that are gonna be there... I'm not sure if anyone else will be there... so I'm gonna stand out (no erection pun intended) being the only naked one there...
I already masturbated once today in hopes that I'll have no hard-ons during the game... but knowing me thats a false hope... i could get a hard on during a zombie apocalypse... not that zombies turn me on, just saying that since it'd be a time that an erection wouldn't make sense... that and I'm watching Zombieland right now...
Forget The Who... I'm gonna be the real halftime show...
*depressing sigh*
Monday, January 25, 2010
TMI Tuesday #223 - Masturbation Edition
1. When you masturbate, how long, typically, is your session and what do you think about (other than having an orgasm)? Depends on how stimulated I was to begin with... Usually I clear out a half hour to 45 minutes of my schedule.... sometimes it might be an hour and once in a while it just keeps going and going and I either give up or spend 2 hours just trying to get off and determined that its gonna happen... I'm not a quitter lol... I typically watch porn, read erotic stories or think about having sex with someone, typically its either a woman in her mid-late 30s, married and we're doing it while her husband is out, or about some girl I actually had sex with and the experience we had...
2. Have you ever been "caught" masturbating? Christ... all the time.... too many times... its not so bad if I have a sheet handy that I can quickly cover up with, but thats not always the case... I live in a tiny apartment and share a bedroom with 2 sisters... so I get walked in on a lot... Hard to get off when someone is telling you to "put it away" or, even worse, getting off just as someone walks in the room... hard to keep a straight face (and stay clean) during a time like that... here's a past blog about such a situation...
3. Have you ever masturbated in front of your computer? If 'yes' was it for your own purposes or for someone's viewing pleasure? Well, thats where a lot of porn is... so it only makes sense if I jerksterbated there... But don't worry... If you took a black light to my mouse and keyboard it'd be all clean...
4. Have you ever attended a group masturbation party? Same-sex or mixed? Not a party where everyone was masturbating.... but I've masturbated at a party a couple times... most recently at a new years eve party... When I'm drunk its easy to convince me to do something like that... This one time I stood on a table, dropped trou, and went at it with like 20-30 people watching... When I came I just about fell off a table... also, if you tried it you know, masturbating while standing up is really really difficult... like rubik's cube difficult...
5. When masturbating, as you reach orgasm, do you continue to stimulate yourself without interruption, or do you stop and apply pressure until your spasms subside? Or? I keep going... no need to stop... I lighten up a little just so I don't shoot all over the room...
6. Have you ever video'ed yourself while masturbating (solo)? Where are they now? No... someone had a camera phone at one of the parties I jerked off at.... not sure where that went... check red tube and youporn... might be there...
Bonus (as in optional): How often do you use the word "fuck" (or its derivatives) in casual conversation - frequently, occasionally, rarely, never. Depends on your definition of casual... I'd say somewhere between rarely & occasionally... maybe.... fuck if I know
2. Have you ever been "caught" masturbating? Christ... all the time.... too many times... its not so bad if I have a sheet handy that I can quickly cover up with, but thats not always the case... I live in a tiny apartment and share a bedroom with 2 sisters... so I get walked in on a lot... Hard to get off when someone is telling you to "put it away" or, even worse, getting off just as someone walks in the room... hard to keep a straight face (and stay clean) during a time like that... here's a past blog about such a situation...
3. Have you ever masturbated in front of your computer? If 'yes' was it for your own purposes or for someone's viewing pleasure? Well, thats where a lot of porn is... so it only makes sense if I jerksterbated there... But don't worry... If you took a black light to my mouse and keyboard it'd be all clean...
4. Have you ever attended a group masturbation party? Same-sex or mixed? Not a party where everyone was masturbating.... but I've masturbated at a party a couple times... most recently at a new years eve party... When I'm drunk its easy to convince me to do something like that... This one time I stood on a table, dropped trou, and went at it with like 20-30 people watching... When I came I just about fell off a table... also, if you tried it you know, masturbating while standing up is really really difficult... like rubik's cube difficult...
5. When masturbating, as you reach orgasm, do you continue to stimulate yourself without interruption, or do you stop and apply pressure until your spasms subside? Or? I keep going... no need to stop... I lighten up a little just so I don't shoot all over the room...
6. Have you ever video'ed yourself while masturbating (solo)? Where are they now? No... someone had a camera phone at one of the parties I jerked off at.... not sure where that went... check red tube and youporn... might be there...
Bonus (as in optional): How often do you use the word "fuck" (or its derivatives) in casual conversation - frequently, occasionally, rarely, never. Depends on your definition of casual... I'd say somewhere between rarely & occasionally... maybe.... fuck if I know
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Wednesday Weirdness #52
1.) What items (if any) do you get embarrassed to purchase? Condoms... i've had sex in the middle of a party, got up on a table at a party and did a drunken version of puppetry of the penis, and been naked in a ton of public places (both willingly and not), but I still get embarrassed buying condoms for some reason... but it depends on who's working the counter at the time... I buy XL condoms so its kinda embarrassing... unless its a hot chick, then its kinda hot and embarrassing at the same time... everyone who is working the counter has that look on their face when you buy XL condoms like "don't laugh, don't don't make eye contact, don't smile... " I had this one girl... she looked like she was 16 or 17 working at the drug store down the road when i bought condoms... i had a basket of junk, q-tips, shampoo, razors, typical bathroom stuff... she checked out everything, chatted with me for a while, and when she got to the condoms her face get beet red instantly, and she didn't say a word... so apparently she was just as embarrassed as me... i try to get my mom, sisters or Shana to buy my condoms from now on... but i'm afraid that my mom is gonna be buying XL condoms, and some lady behind the counter is gonna be like "ooo, xl condoms... who are these for?" and my mom, without thinking, is gonna say "They're for my son," then there are gonna be a whole lot of questions and rumors floating around...
2.) What sexual position do you and your partner/significant other use most? I tend to do a lotta different things, i'm lucky enough that my main sex partner, Shana likes cowgirl... so i can't complain about that
3.) Do you untie your shoes every time you take them off or do you slip them on and off? I just slip them off.... does that mean I'm lazy?
4.) What is the last thing you broke by accident? Um... The glass door to my entertainment center... damn tempered glass shatters in a million pieces
5.) If you had to lose one of your body parts what would it be and why? My pinkie i guess... no wait, tonsils... i don't need them anyway...
6.) How do you feel about anal sex? Not for me... Being straight, i'm not gonna be a reciever... and being larger down there, there aren't any girls that would want to take it, not that I blame them, I tried it once, but she was in too much pain to continue...
7.) If you could have the ability to solve problems quickly and easily or the ability to know without doubt every time a person told a lie, which ability would you want and why? solve problems quickly and easily... you can tell when someone is lying half the time anyway
2.) What sexual position do you and your partner/significant other use most? I tend to do a lotta different things, i'm lucky enough that my main sex partner, Shana likes cowgirl... so i can't complain about that
3.) Do you untie your shoes every time you take them off or do you slip them on and off? I just slip them off.... does that mean I'm lazy?
4.) What is the last thing you broke by accident? Um... The glass door to my entertainment center... damn tempered glass shatters in a million pieces
5.) If you had to lose one of your body parts what would it be and why? My pinkie i guess... no wait, tonsils... i don't need them anyway...
6.) How do you feel about anal sex? Not for me... Being straight, i'm not gonna be a reciever... and being larger down there, there aren't any girls that would want to take it, not that I blame them, I tried it once, but she was in too much pain to continue...
7.) If you could have the ability to solve problems quickly and easily or the ability to know without doubt every time a person told a lie, which ability would you want and why? solve problems quickly and easily... you can tell when someone is lying half the time anyway
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Think Peter North, on a good day
I'm kinda bored right now... so I decided to tell you all a little, embarassing story... what's worse than getting caught having sex by the parents of the girl you're having sex with? Well... you're about to find out...
This was back in high school, tenth grade if I remember correctly, me and Sarah, a female friend of mine, were in history class writing notes back and forth... I eventually turn our light flirting into a serious written discussion about sex... I get a hard-on under the desk, she notices and does that "Ohmigawd its a penis" girl-giggle... I remind her that we could skip our last class of the day, which was after history, and go to her house which is in a stone's throw distance (well... if a jacked up major league pitcher's throwing the stone) from the school. She agrees and once the bell rings, ending that class, we dart out of the school, and are at the doorstep before the bell rings to start the next class.
We go in and start making out on the couch in the living room. We leave the door open because it was a rather warm day out and we were both too horny to care about shutting it. She tells me that her mom won't be home for a few hours, so we got the afternoon to ourselves... You can imagine it didn't take me long to get our clothes off.
We are going at it for the better part of an hour, and her orgasm pushes me close to the edge.
Now, this isn't bragging (its a hinderance more than anything) but I come a lot. Like, seriously, its abnormal... Think Peter North on a good day. Good for porn, not so great for turning on actual girls... But there are a few who like it, or at least don't mind (My oldest sister thinks I'm a sideshow freak, story for another time lol).... But as I slowly reach orgasm I notice that we're on a very expensive couch, in a room with very expensive carpet and furniture. Would hate to ruin that.
Anyway... me and Sarah are on the couch she just came and I'm almost there. I didn't want to come inside of her, since i was condomless at the time, so I asked her if I could pull out and come on her stomach/tits... She said she didn't care... I told her about the amount that I ejaculate, but she still didn't care.... So I'm right their and as soon as the first squirt is about to come out I notice a shadow move around by the door, but I was at the point of no return when I hear a scream...
Sarah sits up real fast, the first glob of come flies out and hits her in the chin... I turn around and Sarah's mom is standing at the door, with a look of shock on her face. My first instinct at that time was grab my clothes and run, not so easy when you're having an orgasm.... I get off the couch, still coming, and grab a handful of clothes. Another big glob of jizz splatters on the side of the black couch and drips to the carpet... i start heading for the door, where Sarah's mom is still at, as another wad splatters on the carpet. Sarah's mom yells and tells me to stop, like I can just turn it off... after the second or third squirt the guy's ejaculation hits its peak, where more per squirt comes out... I'm on my way out, a couple feet from Sarah's mom and she, out of save-the-carpet instinct she puts her hands down, trying to block the jizz from hitting the floor, but luckily she pulled her hands back at the last second. I try to squeeze between the side of the door and Sarah's mom with a nine inch hard on and a squirt splatters across the bottom of Sarah's mom's blouse and the top of her pants, she screamed again but I was already halfway down the lawn, still coming, still naked, her mom still screaming the entire time...
Needless to say it was embarrassing... even more so when her mom called my mom to tell her about it... My mom knew I was sexually active, and didn't really care... I've had sex and left my fair shar of stains in our house at the time... so it wasn't a shock to her... she did, however think it was the funniest thing in the entire world...
It got a whole lot less funny when she made me go back to Sarah's mom's house, apologize to her an clean the couch and carpet.... kind of awkward cleaning up your own cum stains while the mom of the girl you had sex with watches ya... one of life's lessons? Not sure what that exact lesson would be to tell ya the truth...
This was back in high school, tenth grade if I remember correctly, me and Sarah, a female friend of mine, were in history class writing notes back and forth... I eventually turn our light flirting into a serious written discussion about sex... I get a hard-on under the desk, she notices and does that "Ohmigawd its a penis" girl-giggle... I remind her that we could skip our last class of the day, which was after history, and go to her house which is in a stone's throw distance (well... if a jacked up major league pitcher's throwing the stone) from the school. She agrees and once the bell rings, ending that class, we dart out of the school, and are at the doorstep before the bell rings to start the next class.
We go in and start making out on the couch in the living room. We leave the door open because it was a rather warm day out and we were both too horny to care about shutting it. She tells me that her mom won't be home for a few hours, so we got the afternoon to ourselves... You can imagine it didn't take me long to get our clothes off.
We are going at it for the better part of an hour, and her orgasm pushes me close to the edge.
Now, this isn't bragging (its a hinderance more than anything) but I come a lot. Like, seriously, its abnormal... Think Peter North on a good day. Good for porn, not so great for turning on actual girls... But there are a few who like it, or at least don't mind (My oldest sister thinks I'm a sideshow freak, story for another time lol).... But as I slowly reach orgasm I notice that we're on a very expensive couch, in a room with very expensive carpet and furniture. Would hate to ruin that.
Anyway... me and Sarah are on the couch she just came and I'm almost there. I didn't want to come inside of her, since i was condomless at the time, so I asked her if I could pull out and come on her stomach/tits... She said she didn't care... I told her about the amount that I ejaculate, but she still didn't care.... So I'm right their and as soon as the first squirt is about to come out I notice a shadow move around by the door, but I was at the point of no return when I hear a scream...
Sarah sits up real fast, the first glob of come flies out and hits her in the chin... I turn around and Sarah's mom is standing at the door, with a look of shock on her face. My first instinct at that time was grab my clothes and run, not so easy when you're having an orgasm.... I get off the couch, still coming, and grab a handful of clothes. Another big glob of jizz splatters on the side of the black couch and drips to the carpet... i start heading for the door, where Sarah's mom is still at, as another wad splatters on the carpet. Sarah's mom yells and tells me to stop, like I can just turn it off... after the second or third squirt the guy's ejaculation hits its peak, where more per squirt comes out... I'm on my way out, a couple feet from Sarah's mom and she, out of save-the-carpet instinct she puts her hands down, trying to block the jizz from hitting the floor, but luckily she pulled her hands back at the last second. I try to squeeze between the side of the door and Sarah's mom with a nine inch hard on and a squirt splatters across the bottom of Sarah's mom's blouse and the top of her pants, she screamed again but I was already halfway down the lawn, still coming, still naked, her mom still screaming the entire time...
Needless to say it was embarrassing... even more so when her mom called my mom to tell her about it... My mom knew I was sexually active, and didn't really care... I've had sex and left my fair shar of stains in our house at the time... so it wasn't a shock to her... she did, however think it was the funniest thing in the entire world...
It got a whole lot less funny when she made me go back to Sarah's mom's house, apologize to her an clean the couch and carpet.... kind of awkward cleaning up your own cum stains while the mom of the girl you had sex with watches ya... one of life's lessons? Not sure what that exact lesson would be to tell ya the truth...
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
An awkward day at the mall
In my first blog, I mentioned how I almost got arrested because a mall's rent-a-cop thought I had hidden something in the front of my pants and was taking it out of the store, when in reality I just had a hard-on.
I also said I'd explain more about that incident later. *Looks at watch* It's almost later....
wait a little bit longer....
Almost time... be patient...
3..2..1.. and its later...
So me and my oldest (half) sister Anna were at the mall looking for something to get my mom for her birthday, my mom's difficult to shop for. She's one of those people who, when you ask her what she wants, she'll just say "Oh, nothing" or "Whatever's fine." And ya can't not get something for a family member's birthday. So it usually takes all seven of my siblings and myself to brainstorm exactly what to get her. Luckily she's happy with whatever we get her. Last Christmas, two of my siblings got her the same exact sweater, and she was like "Alright, no if one gets stained or ripped I'll always have a spare." But I guess it a good thing that she's so positive.
Anyway, me and Anna were in a woman's clothing department because we remembered that my mom said she never has anything to match her khakis. So we decided to get her a couple blouses to go with them.
Enter rent-a-cop. I was standing there with my sister, half embarrassed that I was the only guy in a woman's clothing store, the other half of me was trying to listen to my sister. Then the 40-something mall security guard comes waltzing in and starts talking to the lady at the register. Trying to flirt or something. He had this really annoying nasally laugh. He laughed at something and i looked up at him like "what the fuck?" the guard stopped laughing and looking at me all suspiciously.
Now, I'm not saying all police/guards/whatever are bad, but I've always had a problem with authority. I don't break a lot of crimes, in fact, the only thinks I could get in trouble for in the past year was jaywalking or being nude in public (another story for another time lol). But something about the way authority figures look at ya, and when they break up parties when the could be stopping a murderer about to strangle a random person, it just annoys me.
I was looking at him, he was looking at me. It was like the staring contests two bull elks have before they fight to find out who's strong enough to have offspring with the only female elk within a mile. Except there wasn't any kind of reward in it for us.
I broke the stare first (I guess I lost) because a sexy late 20's, early 30's mom walked in with her 3 or 4 year old daughter. I went from staring showdown, to "Look! MILF!" She was this sexy little blond girl who's bodyweight must have been 50% boobs. Needless to say I found something far more interesting to check out.
Now, don't take this as bragging, but fully erect my dick is 9 1/2 inches, on a nice warm day I might be 9 3/4, maybe 10. And it doesn't take me much to reach a fully erect state. I mentioned in a different blog that I'm hard 80% of the time. So a hot MILF walking in was gonna set the alarm off eventually.
So there I am, 3 feet from my sister who is handing me shirts while I'm checking out this chick who is telling her daughter to stay near by. And i can feel the blood start pumping to my dick and i feel it rubbing up against the fabric of my underwear as it gets bigger. I don't mind showing off my luggage, but something seemed extra perverse about getting a hard-on in a women's clothing store.
I'm trying to turn my attention to the clothes, all the while trying to will my dick to go down. Then the lady at the register and the MILF walk to the dressing rooms which are just rooms you can see into from the clothing area, with a white door for privacy. The register lady unlocks the white door for the MILF and she, her daughter, and an arm full of bras and shirts 2 sizes too small for her go into the change room.
I'm there, at half mast, trying not to think about the fact that the MILF is getting naked in there. My sister notices my boner, laughs, and starts going through more clothes. We grew up in a little apartment together, little if any privacy, so her seeing me with a hard on stretching my jeans out is not something new.
Then I hear the MILF say "Hey, get back here young lady." I look up and sure enough her daughter is walking out of the change room, and the MILF is bent over with her massive boobs freely hanging out with no shirt, no bra. Hey, free nudity, I guess women's clothing shops aren't so bad after all. There was even an awkward eye contact moment between me and the MILF, for the split second I could get my eyes off her rack. She even flashes a coy little smile as if to say "Yeah, they are nice huh?"
So, by this time, I'm sporting a full 9.5 inch (maybe even 9.75) hard-on. My pants aren't exceptionally tight, but I like wearing rather tight pants so I can show off a nice bulge because, as much as they like to deny it, women crotch watch just as much as men stare at breasts.
My dick's rather uncomfortable at this time, so I undo the top button and unzip my jeans to shove my dick down the legs of my boxer-briefs and down to nearly the knee of my jeans. I, of course, do this behind a rack of clothes, and some added cover contributed by my sister, so no one sees (sorry to any women who bought a shirt that may have accidentally made contact with my wang lol. But I immediately came to the realization that a guy in a women's clothing store, who just saw the tits of some woman when the change room came open, and then sticks his hands down his pants looks like he's masturbating. I look up at the security guard just as he's turning his head. Was he looking at me? Or was he trying to get one last glimpse of the MILF? Who knows.
My sister holds up a couple shirts and asks me which ones to get (like I can focus on clothes at this point) I just randomly pick two, and she agrees with one, and gets a different one out of the rack. Then she says she's ready to go.
I don't know about most guys, but I have a hard time walking when my dick's acting like a splint on my right leg. So I tell her to wait until my dick goes down. She sighs, but agrees and goes to the on wall of the clothing shop where they stock designer shampoos and conditioners and other bathy goodness.
A few minutes, 5 or 6, go by and my sister comes back with two huge bottles of shampoo. Like family sized shampoo. She asked me if Little Landon went back to sleep, I shake my head, its still hard as a rock. She complains that her and her husband Matt have to go to dinner in an hour so I'll have to get going anyway. So we (slowly) walk up the the register. she places the bottles and shirts down as the MILF comes out of the dressing room. Great. That's not gonna help matters any.
We're waiting while there's some problem with the register, something to do with a key. I'm too busy trying to look down the register lady's shirt, worrying about the MILF behind us, and trying to keep my dick from bursting out of my jeans like Superman breaks outta phone booths. In the corner of my eye I see the rent-a-cop, i see his head moving from the desk where the register is, to the front of my jeans, back to the items near the register, back to my jeans. Then after we get the damn key problem figured out, my sister pays the lady and we start heading out, the rent-a-cop grabs my arm.
"Forget to pay for that?" he says pointing at my dick. Was that some kind of gay come on? I have no problem with gay guys, they hit on me all the time, a compliment is a compliment no matter who its from. But pointing to my dick and asking me if I paid for it is a really forward pick-up line, or claiming that I've had a lot of dick enhancement surgery, which would be awfully rude.
"Uh... no..." I say, still trying to wrap my head around his ice breaker.
He pulls me back in the store and tells the register lady that I stole something and put it in front of my pants. This cracks my sister the fuck up.
I try to tell him I didn't steal anything but not use any of the keywords like "dick" "cock" "boner" because the MILF and her daughter are nearby, and I didn't want a lawsuit.
So I use man-code, something all men know should know. "I didn't steal anything, its just that my soldier is standing at attention." "I didn't take a thing, I'm just, you know, pitching a tent."
He looks at me like I'm crazy.
So I whisper in his ear "I have a hard-on that won't go down."
He still looks at me like I'm crazy.
He goes "You shoved one of those shampoo bottles down your pants and are trying to steal it." What fucking guy steals shampoo? Besides Fabio when he can't get romance novel cover photoshoots to pay for it.
My sister chimes in "No, really, its his penis."
His penis must be rather small because he still doesn't believe me. He says "If that's the truth, why don't you go into the dressing rooms and show me?"
I look at him like he's crazy.
I give up and start walking towards the dressing rooms, mumbling about how this damn rent-a-cop wants to see my dick.
The register babe comes by with the key and unlocks it, I unzip my pants, whip it out and the half-cop looks at it like "daaaaayum."
Satisfied, I put to horse back in the corral, zip up, and head out. You can still see the outline of my dick in my jeans as I still haven't found a place that it looks "normal." I walk by the register lady, and she's looking at me like I'm still stealing something. She goes "Hey! Stop!" and the guard goes "No its ok... he was... telling the truth, he didn't steal anything." Which made the register lady go "oh... OOOOOOH!"
Then, a few days later when my mom opened up her presents Anna says "Mom, you'll never believe what Landon had to go through to get you that present." And the story was shared again, and a week later my mom told one of her friends, a week later it was retold, and so on, and so on.
Needless to say, I'm probably never going back to a women's clothing store again lol...
I also said I'd explain more about that incident later. *Looks at watch* It's almost later....
wait a little bit longer....
Almost time... be patient...
3..2..1.. and its later...
So me and my oldest (half) sister Anna were at the mall looking for something to get my mom for her birthday, my mom's difficult to shop for. She's one of those people who, when you ask her what she wants, she'll just say "Oh, nothing" or "Whatever's fine." And ya can't not get something for a family member's birthday. So it usually takes all seven of my siblings and myself to brainstorm exactly what to get her. Luckily she's happy with whatever we get her. Last Christmas, two of my siblings got her the same exact sweater, and she was like "Alright, no if one gets stained or ripped I'll always have a spare." But I guess it a good thing that she's so positive.
Anyway, me and Anna were in a woman's clothing department because we remembered that my mom said she never has anything to match her khakis. So we decided to get her a couple blouses to go with them.
Enter rent-a-cop. I was standing there with my sister, half embarrassed that I was the only guy in a woman's clothing store, the other half of me was trying to listen to my sister. Then the 40-something mall security guard comes waltzing in and starts talking to the lady at the register. Trying to flirt or something. He had this really annoying nasally laugh. He laughed at something and i looked up at him like "what the fuck?" the guard stopped laughing and looking at me all suspiciously.
Now, I'm not saying all police/guards/whatever are bad, but I've always had a problem with authority. I don't break a lot of crimes, in fact, the only thinks I could get in trouble for in the past year was jaywalking or being nude in public (another story for another time lol). But something about the way authority figures look at ya, and when they break up parties when the could be stopping a murderer about to strangle a random person, it just annoys me.
I was looking at him, he was looking at me. It was like the staring contests two bull elks have before they fight to find out who's strong enough to have offspring with the only female elk within a mile. Except there wasn't any kind of reward in it for us.
I broke the stare first (I guess I lost) because a sexy late 20's, early 30's mom walked in with her 3 or 4 year old daughter. I went from staring showdown, to "Look! MILF!" She was this sexy little blond girl who's bodyweight must have been 50% boobs. Needless to say I found something far more interesting to check out.
Now, don't take this as bragging, but fully erect my dick is 9 1/2 inches, on a nice warm day I might be 9 3/4, maybe 10. And it doesn't take me much to reach a fully erect state. I mentioned in a different blog that I'm hard 80% of the time. So a hot MILF walking in was gonna set the alarm off eventually.
So there I am, 3 feet from my sister who is handing me shirts while I'm checking out this chick who is telling her daughter to stay near by. And i can feel the blood start pumping to my dick and i feel it rubbing up against the fabric of my underwear as it gets bigger. I don't mind showing off my luggage, but something seemed extra perverse about getting a hard-on in a women's clothing store.
I'm trying to turn my attention to the clothes, all the while trying to will my dick to go down. Then the lady at the register and the MILF walk to the dressing rooms which are just rooms you can see into from the clothing area, with a white door for privacy. The register lady unlocks the white door for the MILF and she, her daughter, and an arm full of bras and shirts 2 sizes too small for her go into the change room.
I'm there, at half mast, trying not to think about the fact that the MILF is getting naked in there. My sister notices my boner, laughs, and starts going through more clothes. We grew up in a little apartment together, little if any privacy, so her seeing me with a hard on stretching my jeans out is not something new.
Then I hear the MILF say "Hey, get back here young lady." I look up and sure enough her daughter is walking out of the change room, and the MILF is bent over with her massive boobs freely hanging out with no shirt, no bra. Hey, free nudity, I guess women's clothing shops aren't so bad after all. There was even an awkward eye contact moment between me and the MILF, for the split second I could get my eyes off her rack. She even flashes a coy little smile as if to say "Yeah, they are nice huh?"
So, by this time, I'm sporting a full 9.5 inch (maybe even 9.75) hard-on. My pants aren't exceptionally tight, but I like wearing rather tight pants so I can show off a nice bulge because, as much as they like to deny it, women crotch watch just as much as men stare at breasts.
My dick's rather uncomfortable at this time, so I undo the top button and unzip my jeans to shove my dick down the legs of my boxer-briefs and down to nearly the knee of my jeans. I, of course, do this behind a rack of clothes, and some added cover contributed by my sister, so no one sees (sorry to any women who bought a shirt that may have accidentally made contact with my wang lol. But I immediately came to the realization that a guy in a women's clothing store, who just saw the tits of some woman when the change room came open, and then sticks his hands down his pants looks like he's masturbating. I look up at the security guard just as he's turning his head. Was he looking at me? Or was he trying to get one last glimpse of the MILF? Who knows.
My sister holds up a couple shirts and asks me which ones to get (like I can focus on clothes at this point) I just randomly pick two, and she agrees with one, and gets a different one out of the rack. Then she says she's ready to go.
I don't know about most guys, but I have a hard time walking when my dick's acting like a splint on my right leg. So I tell her to wait until my dick goes down. She sighs, but agrees and goes to the on wall of the clothing shop where they stock designer shampoos and conditioners and other bathy goodness.
A few minutes, 5 or 6, go by and my sister comes back with two huge bottles of shampoo. Like family sized shampoo. She asked me if Little Landon went back to sleep, I shake my head, its still hard as a rock. She complains that her and her husband Matt have to go to dinner in an hour so I'll have to get going anyway. So we (slowly) walk up the the register. she places the bottles and shirts down as the MILF comes out of the dressing room. Great. That's not gonna help matters any.
We're waiting while there's some problem with the register, something to do with a key. I'm too busy trying to look down the register lady's shirt, worrying about the MILF behind us, and trying to keep my dick from bursting out of my jeans like Superman breaks outta phone booths. In the corner of my eye I see the rent-a-cop, i see his head moving from the desk where the register is, to the front of my jeans, back to the items near the register, back to my jeans. Then after we get the damn key problem figured out, my sister pays the lady and we start heading out, the rent-a-cop grabs my arm.
"Forget to pay for that?" he says pointing at my dick. Was that some kind of gay come on? I have no problem with gay guys, they hit on me all the time, a compliment is a compliment no matter who its from. But pointing to my dick and asking me if I paid for it is a really forward pick-up line, or claiming that I've had a lot of dick enhancement surgery, which would be awfully rude.
"Uh... no..." I say, still trying to wrap my head around his ice breaker.
He pulls me back in the store and tells the register lady that I stole something and put it in front of my pants. This cracks my sister the fuck up.
I try to tell him I didn't steal anything but not use any of the keywords like "dick" "cock" "boner" because the MILF and her daughter are nearby, and I didn't want a lawsuit.
So I use man-code, something all men know should know. "I didn't steal anything, its just that my soldier is standing at attention." "I didn't take a thing, I'm just, you know, pitching a tent."
He looks at me like I'm crazy.
So I whisper in his ear "I have a hard-on that won't go down."
He still looks at me like I'm crazy.
He goes "You shoved one of those shampoo bottles down your pants and are trying to steal it." What fucking guy steals shampoo? Besides Fabio when he can't get romance novel cover photoshoots to pay for it.
My sister chimes in "No, really, its his penis."
His penis must be rather small because he still doesn't believe me. He says "If that's the truth, why don't you go into the dressing rooms and show me?"
I look at him like he's crazy.
I give up and start walking towards the dressing rooms, mumbling about how this damn rent-a-cop wants to see my dick.
The register babe comes by with the key and unlocks it, I unzip my pants, whip it out and the half-cop looks at it like "daaaaayum."
Satisfied, I put to horse back in the corral, zip up, and head out. You can still see the outline of my dick in my jeans as I still haven't found a place that it looks "normal." I walk by the register lady, and she's looking at me like I'm still stealing something. She goes "Hey! Stop!" and the guard goes "No its ok... he was... telling the truth, he didn't steal anything." Which made the register lady go "oh... OOOOOOH!"
Then, a few days later when my mom opened up her presents Anna says "Mom, you'll never believe what Landon had to go through to get you that present." And the story was shared again, and a week later my mom told one of her friends, a week later it was retold, and so on, and so on.
Needless to say, I'm probably never going back to a women's clothing store again lol...
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